Build Secure Attachments: How to Use the HEARTS Model from ‘Polysecure’
We all want to feel secure in our relationships. But everyone, at some point or another, faces challenges in building and maintaining this sense of security. This can be especially true for those navigating consensual non-monogamy (CNM). The very structure of CNM, which removes the societal "default" of exclusivity, means that security can't be assumed. It must be actively and intentionally built.
Polysecure by Jessica Fern
In her book, Polysecure, Jessica Fern provides a framework for applying attachment theory to non-monogamous relationships. She presents several tools aimed at feeling more secure whether we are in an open, closed, or poly relationship.
My favorite actionable tool from the book is the framework for building this security using the acronym H.E.A.R.T.S. This model is a set of six interconnected skills that act as the building blocks for secure attachment. It's not a test; you don't pass or fail. It’s a map that shows you where your strengths are and where you have opportunities to grow. So let’s break it down one letter at a time.
HEARTS: Here & Present
What it is: "Here" means being fully and mindfully present with your partner. It's the opposite of being physically in the room but mentally checked out, scrolling on your phone, or planning your response instead of listening. It is the practice of giving your undivided attention, which communicates to your partner, that in this moment they are the most important person.
Why it matters: In any relationship, but especially in CNM where time can be divided, the quality of your presence is paramount. Time together is one of the most valuable resource you can offer a relationship.
Tips to Strengthen This Skill:
Create "No-Phone Zones": Intentionally put your phones away during dedicated connection time. This could be during dinner, for the first 15 minutes after getting home, or around bedtime.
Practice Active Listening: When your partner is talking, turn your body toward them. Make eye contact. Resist the urge to interrupt or problem-solve. Your first goal is to simply understand.
Notice and Reflect: Pay attention to their body language and tone. Reflect back what you're hearing: "It sounds like you had a really frustrating day." This shows you're not just hearing the words, but getting the feeling.
HEARTS: Expressed Delight
What it is: This is the act of showing your partner that you are happy they exist and that you cherish them. It's more than just saying "I love you"; it's finding ways to make that love visible and felt. It's delighting in their being, not just in what they do for you.
Why it matters: Expressed delight is a direct deposit into the "emotional bank account." It builds up a reserve of felt security that you can both draw on during times of conflict or disconnection. It answers the internal question, "Am I still wanted in this relationship?"
Tips to Strengthen This Skill:
Be Specific with Appreciation: Move beyond just a "Thank You." Try, "I know you went out of your way to pick that up. I really appreciate you supporting me and giving me the time to finish my work”.
Use Non-Sexual Touch: A hand squeeze, a hug that lasts a few seconds longer, a touch on the arm as you pass by—these small physical gestures communicate warmth and connection.
Greet with Intention: How you greet each other can set the tone for your entire interaction. Make a point to stop what you're doing, smile, and make eye contact. Show them you're happy to see them.
HEARTS: Attunement
What it is: Attunement is the process of tuning into your partner's emotional state and reflecting it back so they feel seen, heard, and understood. It is not about agreeing with them or fixing their problem. It's about validating that their emotional experience makes sense to you.
Why it matters: Attunement is, as Fern says, "at the heart of secure attachment." It's the single most powerful tool for emotional co-regulation. When you attune, you are saying, "You are not alone in this feeling. I am here with you." This is what de-escalates conflict and builds deep, resilient trust.
Tips to Strengthen This Skill:
Get Curious, Not Defensive: When your partner expresses a difficult emotion (like jealousy or anxiety), replace "You shouldn't feel that way" with "Tell me more about what that feels like."
Reflect and Validate: Learn to be an "emotional mirror." A powerful phrase is: "So what I'm hearing is that you're feeling X, because of Y. That makes total sense."
Listen for the "Why": Often, the surface-level complaint isn't the real issue. Attunement is about listening for the underlying attachment need. (e.g., "I'm angry you're late" might be hiding "I was scared you forgot about me and I don't matter.")
HEARTS: Rituals and Routines
What it is: Rituals are consistent, predictable acts of connection that create an anchor of safety. Their power comes from their reliability. They are the small, repeated things you both can count on, day in and day out.
Why it matters: In a structure like non-monogamy, which can be inherently fluid, rituals provide crucial predictability. They are a "soothing balm for the nervous system." They non-verbally communicate that the relationship is stable and secure, even when other parts of life (or other relationships) are in motion.
Tips to Strengthen This Skill:
Master Separations and Reunions: These are the most critical. Create a rituals or patterns for saying hello and goodbye (e.g., a real hug or an "I love you,").
Schedule Connection: Have a weekly check-in on the calendar that is non-negotiable. This is your time to attune and express delight.
Create Small Daily Anchors: A "good morning" text, a shared cup of coffee before the day starts, or a "goodnight, I'm thinking of you" text can all serve as small, powerful points of connection.
HEARTS: Turning Towards After Conflict
What it is: This is the skill of repair. All relationships have conflict and moments of disconnection (or "rupture"). Security isn't built by avoiding ruptures; it's built by repairing them. "Turning Towards" is the choice to re-engage and fix the connection, even when you're still hurt or angry.
Why it matters: The strength of a relationship is not measured by its lack of conflict, but by its speed of repair. When you consistently show your partner that your desire to be connected is more important than your desire to be "right," you build unshakable resilience.
Tips to Strengthen This Skill:
Make the First "Repair Bid": A repair bid is any attempt to break the cycle of negativity. It can be a joke, a touch, or a simple "This is hard. I don't want to be fighting. Can we try again?"
Take Responsibility for Your Part: Be the first to apologize for your piece of the conflict, no matter how small. "I'm sorry I raised my voice" is a powerful opener that invites your partner to do the same.
Use a "Time-Out" Signal: When things get too heated, agree on a signal (like "I need a 20-minute break"). The crucial part is to always set a time to come back.
HEARTS: Secure Attachment with Self
What it is: This is the foundation of the entire model. You cannot build secure relationships with others if you do not have a secure base within yourself. This is about your ability to be your own safe haven—to self-regulate, self-soothe, and attune to your own needs.
Why it matters: In non-monogamy, you will have moments where you are alone with big feelings (like jealousy or anxiety) while your partner is unavailable. Your ability to "be with yourself" in these moments, without panicking or "self-abandoning," is the ultimate source of security.
Tips to Strengthen This Skill:
Apply HEARTS to Yourself:
Here: Can you be present with your own feelings without immediately distracting yourself?
Expressed Delight: Do you practice self-compassion? Can you celebrate your own wins?
Attunement: Can you sit and identify what you are really feeling and needing? (e.g., "I'm not just angry; I'm lonely and I need reassurance.")
Rituals: What are your non-negotiable self-care rituals that fill your cup?
Turning Towards: How do you speak to yourself when you make a mistake? Can you turn toward your inner critic with curiosity instead of judgment? Check out my other post on how to befriend your inner critic.
Our H.E.A.R.T.S. game is weak! What does that mean?
You may worry that you aren’t firing on all cylinders for each of these and that's okay. In fact, that's the whole point of exploring this model. It brings awareness to where we can grow. Security isn't a magical state you just find. It is a set of skills you practice
The HEARTS model can be used to create tangible goals: "This week, I will find one specific thing to appreciate about my partner."
It's also important to note, as I do in my practice, that this work must be viewed through a cultural lens. Systemic issues like racism, financial worry, or addiction can deeply impact a person's attachment system in ways this model doesn't fully address on its own. The HEARTS model is a brilliant tool, and it becomes even more effective when we apply it with a compassionate understanding of the unique, lived experiences each partner brings to the relationship.
If you're finding it difficult to implement these skills, that's completely normal. This is deep work, and it's where a counselor can provide crucial support. In my practice, I specialize in helping individuals and partners navigate these exact challenges, often using a blend of Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
While that's my approach, there are many effective models. The most important thing is finding a therapist and a style that works for you. You don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to be willing to start.