Befriending Your Inner Critic: An Introduction to Understanding Yourself

Starting therapy can feel like a big step, and understanding some of the ideas behind it can be really helpful. I like to use approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Internal Family Systems (IFS) as a framework to navigate our inner world and build a stronger sense of self.

Have you ever noticed that little voice inside your head that has some nasty opinions about you and what you’re doing? Maybe it pipes up when you make a mistake ("You should have known better!") or when you're trying something new ("You're going to fail"). This voice, often called the "inner critic," is something many of us experience.

For men, these critical voices might be particularly harsh around vulnerability or not living up to traditional masculine norms. For LGBTQ+ individuals, the inner critic can amplify messages of internalized stigma or doubt. And for Latinx individuals, it might echo pressures related to cultural or family expectations.

IFS offers a unique way to understand this inner critic. Instead of seeing this critic as yourself, IFS suggests that your psyche is made up of many "parts," each with its own unique experiences, roles, and intentions. Even the inner critic, as harsh as it can be, likely has a protective intention. Perhaps it's trying to keep you safe from perceived judgment or failure.

From a CBT perspective, all these parts influence our thoughts which in turn influence how we feel and what we do. Often, these thoughts are based on past experiences, societal expectations, or beliefs we've picked up along the way.

How Can We Work with Our Inner Critic?

Become Aware:

The first step is simply noticing when that critical voice shows up. What does it say? What triggers it?

Understand its Roots (IFS):

Where might this critical voice have come from? What experiences or messages might have shaped it? IFS encourages us to understand the history and "burden" this part carries. For example, for someone who has faced societal prejudice, the inner critic might be hyper-vigilant of how you appear to others. Your critic might be working overtime to make sure you present yourself a certain way to avoid getting hurt again.

Befriend the Part (IFS):

IFS invites us to approach the inner critic with curiosity and compassion. Instead of trying to get rid of it (which often backfires), we aim to understand its fears and needs. Can we acknowledge and thank it for its protective intent, even if we don't like its methods? This can be especially powerful for individuals who may have internalized negative messages about their identity.

Challenge the Part’s Beliefs (CBT):

CBT provides tools to examine the validity of some of the beliefs. Are they actually true? What's the evidence for and against them? We learn to replace unhelpful beliefs with more balanced and realistic ones.

Find Your "Self" (IFS):

IFS posits that at our core, we all have a "Self" – a place of calm, compassion, and confidence. By connecting with this Self, we can interact with our critical parts from a place of understanding rather than judgment.


This is just a starting point. Learning to work with your inner critic is a journey, and therapy can provide a safe and supportive space to explore these inner dynamics more deeply. Whether you're a man navigating societal pressures, an LGBTQ+ individual processing internalized messages, or a Latina/o navigating cultural expectations, understanding your inner world with tools from CBT and IFS can lead to greater self-acceptance and well-being.


Thank you for reading. Please remember that the content on this blog is for informational purposes only. While I hope it provides a helpful starting point on your journey, it is not a substitute for professional therapy. Reading this blog does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you are struggling, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional.

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